This morning, I sit at my kitchen table drinking my coffee and dreaming. If you’d observed my Monday mornings over the last several months, you would know this is not a typical Monday morning. This is the first Monday morning after making a huge and scary decision that has the potential to change my life in a very great way. While it could be a negative change, I have faith in myself and my intuition that it will indeed be a positive one
Last week, I was left feeling anxious, scared, stressed and worried. I was feeling hopeless and fearful about money and fearful about not being able to give my clients what they needed. I was angry at those that give orders and energy depleted for having blindly followed them for the last year and a half. I woke up on a Tuesday as usual, went to work and when I got there something amazing happened. I got mad. I got angry. I got frustrated. I got up and I left. I honored myself. I honored my feelings and I honored my well-being. (Of course, I did notify my boss that I had left and so on, so as to not upset my impeccable record of sub-ordinance.) What happened next was moment after moment of wrapping my arms around myself and holding tight. I began taking care of myself in a way that I had not done in so long. In a way that I had been saving for my clients (I’m a case manager in a social work organization) for the last year and a half. In a way that allowed me to become deaf to my own needs.
I drove towards home, but I did not stop. I paid a dollar for parking and I sat in a cafe and I wrote and wrote and wrote. Then I asked if they were hiring. Then I asked if the next place was hiring and the next and the next. Then I applied to some more jobs. And after a full day of listening to myself about what I needed, I spoke to a very wise woman and had an epiphany. I would not be able to follow my dreams and be fulfilled while in this job. I will not allow myself the energy to care for both myself and my job. This is a lesson that I need to learn, but now is not the time.
Moments after making this decision, I could feel the burdens lifting slowly off my chest. One by one, envisioning a new world for myself. Fearing, anticipating. It had been quite some time that I had felt quite so optimistic and excited about a new step in my life. With every second, I realized more and more that it was the right choice for me. With every serendipitous email, job posting, horoscope – it felt comfier and comfier and the most right that any decision had felt in a long time. I’m not unaware that it will come with it’s own struggles, but I am ready for them. Building the weeks ahead with bricks of forgotten dreams that I let fall to the wayside.
I am new. I am vulnerable and fearless and excited. I am scared. I am courageous and unprepared and strong.